a Look at a Book

…when you don’t have time to read every single book that they want to read.

This post is for:

• parents of kids of any age 18 and younger
• parents who want to plan ahead and start building the foundation to help kids choose GOOD content to read
• parents who want tips on how to instill their values into their kids, specifically in the area of reading. 
• Any reader who would like some guidance in how to screen books for themselves 🙂

I’ll be talking from my perspective as a Christian, though I recognize not everyone reading this may share my values and beliefs. I have stricter standards in many ways for books that guide me when I recommend books to kids or to friends.

We all know there are GREAT books out there. We also know there are TERRIBLE books out there – with a whole lot in between. And while, yes, I mean the writing is terrible, I also mean books can present content in ways that are dark, scary, despairing.

How is a parent supposed to find the good, redemptive books that bring hope and goodness to our kids’ hearts and brains?

Here is a process I recommend, both for you to screen books when your kids are young and to gradually teach them how to do so for themselves as they grow. 

1. Learn Book Blurb and Review Lingo

I have learned, after a lot of trial and error, what many book blurbs are saying without saying. Oftentimes, they’re not saying things as content warnings, but my brain now interprets them as such because I know that means the book will have content I won’t want to read.  It has come at the price of many abandoned books and many “ick I shouldn’t be reading this” realizations.

Parents, I know that not all of you are avid readers, so perhaps you haven’t exactly paid attention, or perhaps you’re just not up on the (book blurb) lingo of the day. (That never happens, right?) Allow me to define a few phrases for you:

For books with romance:

• “Steamy” or “spicy“: Has some sexy details – possibly just describing foreplay and making out, often describing more
• “Forbidden love” and “long-held secrets are revealed“: While this could be just a Romeo and Juliet type of story, pay attention to the genders of the characters mentioned in the book blurb. If they are the same gender, it’s likely a homosexual romance.
• Closed door/fade to black: sex is either mentioned or implied but it is not described
• “Chaste” or “Clean”: sweet romance, but likely nothing explicit beyond a kiss or two. Most likely tame enough for younger eyes, though use your common sense.

For books that are suspense/mystery/thriller:

• “Intense” and “Thrilling” – this could be fine, but use your common sense and follow steps below (preview, read reviews, etc) before deciding if your child is ready for it
• “Psychological thriller” – for me this translates to “will make me afraid of the dark and of passing by open windows; will possibly give me nightmares”
• “Body count rises” or “who will the next victim be” – or anything along those lines – means there’s murder, likely blood, gore, and description of such

For books that mention the supernatural:

• “paranormal” – means that it’s a creature not of our world or not naturally of our world. Could mean demons, vampires, ghosts, mythological creatures, or some sort of other supernatural or imaginary being like faeries. It’s generally not used to describe books that contain your general, benign magic found in fantasy
• read carefully if an “unknown evil” or a “horror” is described or alluded to in the book blurb. Books have to have conflict to be a story, but pay attention to the tone of the narration as you preview (more below)

There are more categories that I include, but I really just want to get you started! As you preview more books, you’ll be able to read between the lines of reviews and book blurbs to discern if it’s a good fit for your kiddo.

I also highly recommend this strategy by The Tea and Ink Society blogger, Elsie, that concisely outlines, with an example, how to wade through reviews to find trigger words or content you’d like to avoid.

2. Preview the first couple of chapters

This helps you get a feel for the overall tone of the book, the level of vocabulary (is it too advanced?), or whether there is any swearing or other objectionable content.

As I tell my students, previewing doesn’t mean that you read every single word. You’re skimming and scanning.
You skim to see how the narrator and/or characters sound – is the tone dark, hopeful, scary, exciting, immature, selfish, generous, boring? . . . the list could go on and on. 
You scan to look for what kinds of things are being talked about and the way they are talked about. For example, if there is swearing in a book, it will usually appear within the first chapter or two. The one exception I can think of is When You Reach Me which uses h*** twice in the middle of the book, but nowhere else.

You also may want to check for violence, gore, depression, self-harm, abuse, etc. Don’t get me wrong: for a story to be good, there needs to be some type of conflict. But the way in which a serious, heartbreaking topic is told is of utmost importance – especially when screening books for your preteens, who might be feeling ready for Young Adult lit, but may not be ready for the content.

Again, the WAY in which that conflict is communicated makes a HUGE difference in how your child will interpret the story, understand it, experience it, and file it away in their hearts and brains.

One way to think of this is to look at who is telling the story. If it’s in first person by the angsty teen themselves, you’re going to get a lot more of the inner workings of their heart/mind. If it’s a loving parent or teacher, you’ll get an outside perspective on the actions of the teen character, which tend to be not as intense.

3. Read reviews

If you’re feeling unsure whether or not you should let your kiddos read the book, it’s okay to tell them, “I need to look at some ratings and reviews first. You can’t get the book right now, but I’ll let you know what I decide.”

This is important because you’re modeling how to choose good books and you’re letting them know you will give it due consideration.

There are so VERY many people reviewing books but you should look for reviewers who specifically give content warnings. Storygraph is great about asking people for content warnings when creating reviews. On Goodreads, you have to search more through individual reviews, which takes more time. You could also use Amazon, as Elsie of the Tea and Ink Society recommends (link above). Finally, Common Sense Media is great too, though I think they’ve started limiting how many reviews you can look at without joining as a member.

Especially since you’re previewing and screening books for your kids and not yourself, read the reviews with spoilers! If nothing else, it’ll give you knowledge of what is in the book when you talk about the book with your kiddos. 

4. Use trusted sites and book lists

…that have the same/similar standards as you have to find quality books you can get for your kids. Many Christian/private schools have recommended reading lists for each grade level, so you could google a school that you know to get you started. Pay closer attention to the first few books you try from those lists and if they overall seem to go well, you can loosen the reins a bit.

Here are a couple that I use or trust: Sonlight, Stonehaven.

Also, I’d be honored if you’d consider following me here and searching for ideas from the book lists that I have created and will create for kids and teens!

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The next several headings will help you gradually release the responsibility of screening books to your kids as they grow.

5. Teach your family’s standards

First, model these standards in the books you allow your kids to read and in what you allow yourself to read. Modeling is far more important than the words you use. So set the example for what criteria you use for choosing books, along with explaining why you say yes to some and no to others.

Explaining the why really helps, but you have to discern how to do so in an age-appropriate way. I love how Corrie ten Boom’s father explained his reason for not answering a question she asked about sex (she didn’t know what she was asking about). He said he’d be a bad parent if he gave her a load (like a case full of heavy tools) that was too heavy for her to yet bear. The same holds true for us when explaining inappropriate-for-your-kid content. Sometimes it’s too heavy a load for that age to bear. But you can explain in age-appropriate terms why you say no – even use Mr. ten Boom’s metaphor if you’d like!

Use phrases like “We choose books that . . .” and “We don’t choose books that . . .” to communicate the parameters that you use as you explain.

6. Coach them to bring books to you when they’re unsure

As my mom allowed us to pick out books at the library, there was a season (of a few years, I’m sure) where we had to bring every book to her to be approved. She would preview the book and give us an okay or not okay. Then, as we got older, we only brought books to her if we weren’t sure and needed her wiser opinion. She would guide us in what we were thinking about by having a discussion about why we thought it was or wasn’t okay.

However, despite previewing books, there are surprises that can come in the middle of reading. So this point is especially important as you release responsibility to them. Assure them that if, as they’re reading, something feels “off” or “icky” or they’re not sure that they should be reading it, then you want to know about it.
You can probe for why it feels off to them, ask some questions about their reactions to the content, and give them confidence to “DNF” (not finish) a book (or not). Plus, having this type of conversation gives you insight into the content they’re reading and helps keep the communication open between you and your kid.

7. Develop a culture of “book talk”

I wrote about this in my series “Things Good Readers Do,” but it bears repeating here.

Develop a culture of talking about books and themes found in books from a young age. It is so, so good to have kids discover the dark, hurtful, hard parts of this world while in the shelter of your care. You can help guide them, share your wisdom, and give them perspective. A counselor I know often says, “Kids are great observers, but they are terrible interpreters.” They need our wisdom and guidance as parents to make proper sense of what is in the world!

Here are some ideas for developing a culture of talking about books in your home:

• Do read alouds together! – For as long as they’ll let you. And talk about the characters, their decisions, the challenges or hard things in the book, etc. You may not have the time or the inclination with each chapter, but you’ll know by their (or your) reactions or questions when you need to stop and chat for a bit
• Regularly ask them about what they’re reading on their own
• When they share what a character did, ask them if X action was right/wrong/morally gray and why/why not
• Get them considering the messages they’re hearing in the book so they’re aware of what the book is teaching them. All books are, to an extent, the author’s own worldview. So having them examine it critically as they read is key.

8. Teach them to abandon books

Abandoning a book can be hard – dare I say, even painful – when you’re invested in the story. But I have abandoned more than one book somewhere around 80% of the way through because my conscience just wouldn’t let me finish. I abandon books ALLLLL the time – even (perhaps, especially) the popular books.

Model it for your kids, too, so they learn to live without knowing all the details in the books that are all the rage.

9. Teach them to preview books for themselves

I mentioned this in section #6, but it deserves its own section.

Teach your kids to use the same methods explained in 1-4 according to your family’s values. Gradually release them to do that on their own, based on the readiness and trustworthiness of your kiddos. Some kids you may have to monitor far longer than others. 

This teaching will optimally happen over years. You both might make mistakes, parent and child, but it will be okay. You’re doing your best to parent your child well in the world of books (which can spill over into other content they consume), and that will serve your children well for the rest of their lives.

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One final note on this topic:

To this day, I remember with regret a specific book that I should have left unfinished because it struck a negative chord in me that I couldn’t have known it would. This was when I was just out of high school. I was done with my “training” in choosing books. But the content of the book, and the way it was communicated was not healthy for me.

The truth is, each time anyone chooses a book, they’re taking a risk, because they don’t know exactly what’s in between the covers or how it will resonate with them as an individual.

So remember this: despite your best efforts, your kids may still open a book that it would have been better for them, specifically, if they hadn’t. Or, despite your best efforts, it is possible – perhaps likely – that your child(ren) will be exposed to things you wish they hadn’t been, far earlier than you want them to be. That’s the reality of our current age, so prepare yourself mentally and emotionally.

Then, because you’ve created a culture of book talk in your home and have guided your kiddos to preview books with wisdom, embrace the potentially awkward or difficult conversations, and be thankful that your kiddos are coming to you and talking about weighty, important topics with you.

Whether they’re five or eighteen (or older), you have wisdom to give your kids, you have grace to extend to them, and you are a soft place for them to land as they learn about and navigate this broken, difficult world. Through you, and the many, many hope-filled, light-shining books out there, your kids will see the goodness, truth, and beauty that are yet present in the world as we wait for God to make all things new.